I'll never forget the feeling. It was like I couldn't breathe. I think I even lost some feeling in my legs.
I was in high school, competing in the state round of the national MTNA piano competition. Rhode Island, if you were curious. And I had a fatal memory slip in the middle of my Bach partita movement.
Having a memory slip mid-performance is akin to a pilot losing control over the plane. There are critical moments to recover before embarrassment and disaster ensue.
The progression goes something like this.
1. Memory slip. Maybe we didn't know the piece as well as we thought. Maybe we looked left today when we always look right. Maybe there's no reason other than destiny.
2. Precious moments to recover without anyone noticing.
3. People are definitely noticing. Still time to find your way, though.
4. Something is definitely wrong. There's dead air! Find the closest place you can to start, preferably ahead of the memory minefield.
5. Total loss of a place to start back up from. Last resort to break the tension - start back at the beginning.
6. Last, last resort...just stop playing and take a bow.
On this occasion, I reached step number 5 of the progression and had to go back to start.
What's more, my slip was about 75% of the way through a repeated section. And I still ended up doing all the repeats. So, the judges heard this section 2.75 times total.
Not that I was keeping track.
At this juncture, the musical nuances I had worked on for months weren't going through my mind anymore.
All I was thinking about was how months of preparation led to this...the memory slip.
At this point, I may as well just do a little dance for the judges to get a laugh and go home. When I finished my program, I went back to my seat and sank into my chair. I didn't want to look at anyone. I just wanted to go home.
Imagine my shock when it was announced that I won the competition. I was in complete disbelief.
After congratulating me, my teacher made sure to inform me the other two competitors played really, really badly (regardless of their solid memory), and I should consider myself lucky. Important to stay grounded, after all.
I proceeded to be slaughtered at the division round of the competition. But that's ok. The state round memory slip would become a fond memory worth far more than any competition recognition.
It would be some years before I was no longer terrified of memory slips. There is nothing quite like performing in public that can make the brain think it is in mortal danger. Gotta love that amygdala.
But...here's a thought.
What if we look at the memory slip as something more? Maybe even...gasp...a positive?
Not something to be ashamed of. Not something that signifies a moral shortcoming. But instead, a celebration of our imperfect humanity.
That's part of the thrill of seeing music live. It's like going to the circus and watching the trapeze artists perform without a net.
Minus the certain death bit. (Though some performers may beg to differ.)
Actually, once these memory slip situations pass and the initial shock wears off, they're kind of funny to look back on. Everyone has a funny memory slip story. And I mean, everyone.
So, let's celebrate the memory slip this year. Let's have a concert of memory slips. Or perhaps a montage of blooper-style memory slips. Use your imagination.
What is your favorite memory slip story? Please share it with us in the comments below! We can't wait to hear about it.